Ahead of the X Factor Musical launch, “I Can’t Sing”, let us
dwell on the life and times of the Dr Frankenstein that has for better or
worse, changed the world.
Almost 12 years ago to the day, Simon Cowell slithered into
each of our innocent, Blankety Blank watching, family homes.
His smarmy, yet likeable manner was to change the future of
society forever. Who was this spritely imp
I asked? A demonic s**t who I should
hate but instead made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
We relished in the breaking of hearts, the floods of tears
and a monster was created. By us. For us – Cowell.
Cowell is a genius; A Del Boy-esque musical mogul who never
missed an opportunity to coin it in.
Even in his early days of masterminding the Teletubbies, he insisted on
playing a tambourine on their ground breaking album to ensure bigger royalties.
That was all well and good.
Music was his thing. He was the Dre
of pop. The Quincy Jones of cack.
Little did we know the sphere of
influence that he would ultimately control throughout every medium of
entertainment.
Fast forward 12 years and Cowell
is preparing to launch himself into the Holy Grail – Musical Theatre. This theatre terrorist has infiltrated himself,
subliminally and ninja-like to the hub of the West End and has the potential
blow it!
“I Can’t Sing” is set to give us
a tongue-in-cheek look at the REAL X-Factor.
The reality of reality TV (Oh god).
No doubt the making of the reality of the reality will be out in no
time.
However, if there is one thing
that we can guarantee – it will be a success.
Cowell has the Midas touch. Well,
he surrounds himself with the people who can pave his path in gold.
For example, the cast & creative
are fantastic. The highlight being
rising star, Cynthia Erivo, destined to win an Olivier for her role in The
Colour Purple. How has self-proclaimed “Patron
Saint of Fame” pulled that one out of the bag?
I’m sure you could hazard a guess…
Where will the musical
launch? For The Godfather of Grandeur there
could be only one venue – The Paladium.
The previous show at London’s grandest
theatre was A Chorus Line. A show with
such a hysteric build-up, yet cut short due to a lack of demand. Replaced by the very cause of its
demise. This story story just drips in
irony.
This is sadly a recurring theme
throughout theatre. Original writing,
new musicals and plays are few and far between.
Why? Cowell!
This may seem like a sweeping statement
and a witch hunt but just think about it.
When was the last genuinely new musical
to succeed? I mean completely
original? Nothing linked to a film, to a
book – no Matilda, Charlie, Bodyguard, Colour Purple, Curious Incident, Once..
Don’t get me wrong, all are fantastic and deserve their individual success but completely
original? No.
It was quite refreshing to see
Viva Forever flop. This
was a prime example of the cattle market audition process, the weak script, and
fancy press night. Put in a prime
theatre, huge backing and big name creative, it should have been a
success. Ultimately, audiences saw
through the trash and realised there wasn’t a story.
Loserville was an example of a
new musical. New idea, new songs
(mainly) and got it’s big break to The Garrick after a successful spell at the
Yorkshire Playhouse. Ultimately, its run
was cut short, there wasn’t enough demand and audiences did not get it or want
it enough.
Producers don’t want to take
risks anymore. They need a guarantee, a
current and captive audience. Disposable
income is at an all-time low.
The main threat to Theatre? Saturday night television.
Not only to theatre. Bars, restaurants, anything which is trying
to get your hard earned pennies, feel the pinch. A comfy night in, enjoying the nations Z-list’s
attempt to Walz their way to a renewed career, or a puppet gameshow with their
equally Z-list guests.
Why go to the theatre? Why take your family to a night at the theatre
for a few hundred quid?
And even if somebody does have
the balls to produce a new show, who are they going to cast? Gareth Gates?
Will Young? Tom what’s his name of the dancing? Chris Fountain? (maybe
not). The best way to get cast is now to
enter a talent show first.
The very industry that Cowell has
been destroying for the last 12 years, he has finally decided to enter. I fear MT’s days are numbered. I fear for theatre!
So what is the point of all
this? Well I suppose it’s a plea..
A plea to all producers. To theatre goers all over Britain. To the people who can make a difference. Get some balls! Commission that piece from that new writer up
north, cast that new graduate as the lead, put it in your best theatre.
Revolutionise, lead don’t
follow. If you don’t – well, we’re all
doomed!
